I am going to try and do double duty as some kind people on MFP have noted my absence there and I am trying to both rev myself back up to start tracking again and empty my brain of all of the resistance I have.
I obviously did not track while away for the funeral and vacation. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to think at all. I don’t know if I wanted to float as idly as I did, but that’s what happened.
So I’ve drunk soda. Quite a bit. That’s happened after more than a year of not drinking it. I think I’m still capable of turning on a dime and not drinking it again, because the return is infinitely diminished, but I have to actually make that turn and stop.
I have eaten…not great things. Cupcakes and lava cakes and tacos and random hamburgers and basically hardly even a green thing at all. My body doesn’t like that at all. We just sort of ate out constantly, first because of the stress of the funeral, then because we were vacationing and everyone had that mantra of food feels good and there was a lot of good tasting food to be had. The idea of ordering a salad or having a smaller portion honestly did not occur to me.
I did drink less coffee, if there’s anything to be said for doing that.
I didn’t eat as much as was physically possible if I can get any points for that.
I think the deal is…the new you. The new iteration. I’m back in my house, back in my patterns, back in my thinky-thinky brain and you’re just a nice guy I get to think about who likes my facebook pictures and posts and whose pictures and posts I am daring now and again to like. You live very far away. You’re not a threat to my creepy little existence. You, unless I really fuck up wonderful, can’t make much of an impact except in one important little way. You can make me feel good, like I exist, like I have a draw and a pull on another human being even if that pull isn’t any stronger than a refrigerator magnet.
So I need to get back into the diet. There’s this impulse, like hey, you’d be more willing to be confident about this if you were confident about you. Then, the impulse that he seems to just like me and he’s very far away so I don’t have to race. But he didn’t even exist before and I wanted to do this then so what’s the deal, yo?
I am just going to spend the next three days tracking whatever goes into my mouth. I can do that. I have done it before. Then, tracking and adding back in the exercise and getting myself rolling. Get back on the scale. It’s not so terrible. It’s just a habit I have to make by repeating the motions.