So.  It’s a weird thing to both be aware of what you usually do and want to do it again and mostly do it, but then, not.

I know that sounds weird, but I think what I mean to say is I am still exercising and tracking my food on March 20th.  We made it through the winter and now the lion’s burst through and chased off the lamb.

I’ve lost about 10 pounds if we trust the scale – and I’m trying not to fight with it but to track what it says and try harder on my end if it’s slowing down.

I still have the same feelings about the weight loss.   The expectations of just finding a way to WANT it 24/7 with 100% of myself, and instead, I have this odd cycle of, oh my god, I’m actually losing weight – this is fantastic! I’m making good on my promises and goals and my sacrifices are getting me somewhere to oh my god, I’m losing weight – this means I’m capable of anything.  The barriers I’ve told myself are permanent, the way people respond to me because of my inherent physical flaws and shield of tubbiness, the protection I have against being fully accountable and in charge of my life is being burnt away.   Then this fear becomes oh my god, I’m putting back up those walls, I’m pretending I don’t have to get up and exercise, I’m giving up, I’m giving up, no!

Only now, so far, I’ve come back around at that no.  This is a rare development. Even today, I got on the bike.   I am contemplating another half an hour of something since the legs are getting the brunt of it these days.  I haven’t been eating perfectly, but I’ve been minding it.  I’ve been making different choices than I would have made in December. I have been stressed out of my everloving mind, and I haven’t crossed my fingers that binging on food would change that.  I haven’t tried to fill in these voids of time with mindless eating – instead, reading and writing and sometimes even exercise have kept me going.  I’ve wanted to, now and again, but it’s definitely different.

I have had a few days recently of just feeling…numb about it.  Scared, maybe, which is odd because at the same time, I also feel like I’m a little bit more comfortable with the new tightness, the inch or two here or there that is gone from where I expected it to be.  You get this idea that you’re doing so well, you need to do better.  You need to be perfect.

And for today, I want to tell myself…slow down.  You are going at the exact speed you need to go to get there and get there with everything intact and ready to live there instead of blow by it and crash.  You are okay.  You don’t need tomorrow or yesterday. Just track and do the work today.

Writing other things.  Reading.  Continuing with life.  It’s okay.

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