The Research


It appeared impossible.   I had, among other errors today, decided that I could, knowing what it was and what was in it, pop a piece of caramel into my mouth.

That wasn’t the problem.  The problem was all the parts and pieces today added up higher than usual and my desire to exercise was less than it ought.   I wanted more ice cream.  I had cut and portioned, but I’d also jumped on some popcorn and had some filled pasta and it just was, in small ways, more than what I need to be doing right now.  I was just hungry and I’m not embarrassed about that fact, I just felt like I need to focus and I’m not.  I was all sorts of Friday today.   I think if I thought about the bigger picture, I would have eaten different things, but I am learning all the time about what I need.

But we got on the bike, we turned on the music, and suddenly, we could make it work.  We, me and I and all my attendant parts.   We could burn 200 calories.  I am, of course, aware that the bike might be overestimating me.  Until I can get an exactish heart rate monitor, I have to go by something, though.  I can’t just stop and say it doesn’t matter because the number might not be the precise number that it should.  It is is a number greater than zero which is about as much exercise as I was doing before.  Now, I see the red and am motivated to make it green – doing it on paper is translating to my body.

That feels good.

Tomorrow: the scale, and in addition, I am finally going to take some other measurements and maybe some photos.  I don’t think the difference is too visible yet, but I know I feel different.   Today I do.

Now, I am getting my research together for this scene.  I have so many projects moving right now and I’m learning/teaching myself not to be angry and discomfited by that. Not to get freaked out by how this means I will be imperfect for all of them.   I’d just rather complete them.  Fuck what they look like.  They can be made to look better so long as they are first fully made.

This means I am learning about Freemasons and Lalla Rookh and  the Mystic Order of Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm and trying to pull this scene I am eager to write together for writing group as well as draw the part I started in the novel down through the rest of the scene so that it connects sensibly.

That’s some work that’s got to get done this weekend.  Also, going to make those damn-ass short rib tacos in my dutch oven.  That’s happening.  And going on a long, musically motivated walk.  And possibly talk with les amies.   Those ladies who so improve my life and plan something to do with murderous, glittering badgers.

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