Dear Sugar didn’t really take me where I wanted to go this week. Maybe. Still spiky. Still full of a headache. Feeling really okay with being 7 calories over. Not subtly adjusting things where maybe I over-estimated to make it “perfect.” Today was just a seven calories over sort of day, but I feel full and not deranged.
A sort of written tapping. I used to do this a lot with my first therapist and it helped me quite a bit. I tend to stop doing things that work.
I just want to feel good right now. In this time. Without any glancing forward or backward, just now. As I am. In this body. With this brain, these hands, this touch.I am going to take a breath and release some of these past few days’ negative emotions. Some of it has a basis in reality, some of it is just self-punishment for imperfection.
I am going to stop dragging myself through the worst possible scenarios. They almost never come to pass and even if they did, I can survive it. I have survived things that have knotted me up for months. I have been brave in so many ways so many times.
Nobody benefits from me hurting. Nobody thinks more of me or more about me for taking on all the pain I can reach. It doesn’t take it from anyone else, it doesn’t ease anyone else, it just hurts me.
I’m doing good things with my food and this means that I am not being run by it. I’m learning and trying it out and I’m not afraid of getting to play around and fine tune and go over calories
I get to make art with my writing. It doesn’t have to come to anything, to anyone’s attention, because it is real and of my heart and it’s going to happen anyway. Regardless. I think so many things are glorious and beautiful and worthy of elevation. The way the sky looks in late January now that we’ve turned towards spring, seeing a new road and all the ticky-tacky houses all in a row, imagining what it is to live life as they must at that angle, what it would be to know that right turn on Meade St. would be the right turn towards home.
I have a small case of who knows what might happen. Out of the shadows of insistence, someone flew a little flag that says you can’t count me out yet. I might like you. I don’t know you, but I might.
I like the stories I’m working on. I like the characters I’m learning about. I like getting chance to create everything they need.
I have a several larger mysteries I can soften into, that I don’t have to resolve, just explore.
I really love incidental music for self-help videos and public access tv shows. I love birthday wishes from kind souls who couldn’t ever know what they mean to me. I have chocolate oranges.
I have a future that I’m interested in seeing play out. I have Tribe episodes to live tweet.
It is okay.