This song has been stuck in my head – just the first line of the chorus and the earwormiest notes. The worst! (It had gone away, but I came back and read this line and suddenly, it’s in my brain again!)
So today, I was thinking that now is the time to know – if I know about 10 minutes of physical activity + 10 situps + tracking, what do I know about the needs of this blog in the coming year?
If I relieved myself of this “burden,” what would be improved? I would not experience those brief, but real mental wrinkles I have every single day when I wonder about how I need to stop everything and Summarize! I would not have to stop everything and gather my brain into one spot. I would not need to pull myself out of games and reverie, where I have spent another day idling, pleasurably, but yet, idling. I would not be able to say that this, this daily blogging thing, is a thing that I do and have committed myself to. I’d have to say, if I was asked, that I stopped because I found those fifteen to sixty minutes tiresome and I prefered to think of myself as a successfully non-writing writer (which is still the very edge of the qualifications I can affix myself with.) I would have to, I assume, find a more haphazard schedule with which to approach the page – any page – and relieve the writing bug, jones, need, addiction. I would have to assume I would even if I know, five years ago – nearly six – this habit was started because I was failing to do just that.
I don’t want to give it up. I don’t need to. No one is making me. I just find myself keenly aware after having written posts beyond counting about this keen awareness that I can spit words like nobody’s business. Just words. Not well-curated, elegantly crafted, viciously pertinent language. Without editing and a trajectory, this becomes just like anyone’s life – not that there’s anything wrong with good ol’ Anyone’s life, but it isn’t my dream. It doesn’t feed me and make me a stronger, more able writer. It is sugar. You can live on it, but only just, you goddamned humming bird.
Do better, you say? That should be the answer. And in it lies a greater truth than perhaps we either of us realize. I am willing to step forward and write puff and fluff and call it good day after day. Because it takes nothing of me. In all of these areas, success is about me not accepting bare minimums anymore. More not less, forward and not away, not giving up because the way has greater resistance than we first envisioned. I need the pumping up, I need the daily reminders, I need this, but better. I need this, and more.
So next year. 500 words, but I need to incorporate the diet side. A real check-in, every day as to what I’m doing with my goals. And the other writing on top, beyond, more.