I spent longer than I’d care to admit sussing out the correct spelling for shillelagh.
Feeling pretty okay for a variety of reasons.
I am getting stronger even when I feel ridiculously weak in nearly every area. This strength comes, for the most part, from being willing to open my eyes and take stock. I have spent, I would say, the past 3-9 months, waiting for the kick forward. Waiting for the barrel to release the bullet, the sign to drop from the heavens, the little voice to get loud. But the voice has screamed itself hoarse, I’ve had signs attached to anvils and anvils attached to signs, I’m swiss cheese from all the starting pistols pointed my way. Now, all we have is the power of the calendar to start drawing this line in the sand.
The things you want don’t exist without you moving towards them. Even if it’s just opening your eyes in their direction, you have to do that much. But more than that, I am coming to terms with the fact that there is significantly more than just opened eyes. My body is unhappy, my mind is unhappy, and both have idled away the time that might have shifted that unhappiness. Instead, we have cemented it.
So 2016, despite all the effort that has been expended thus far to change jobs, to travel, to go to therapy and make some driving possible, has to be the year of the jackhammer. Exercise, eating vegetables, losing weight, reading 52 books, writing aggressively, staying away from computer games and excessive TV numbing, more travel, not spending evenings stressing about things at work that are worthy of stress but do not get solved with stress, working towards the larger goal of writing to support myself, getting my personal finances in order, start working on saving some money for the future, start working on making myself emotionally available to some nerd guy who probably has really strong feelings about Star Wars but is cute and clever and good on a pub trivia team, talking with my friends about life and making them laugh, hanging out with my mom and dad a bit more, maybe getting a bike.
That’s stuff I want for myself. I might have to write it out every day. I am thinking I want a whole year of change, but that only happens if I have a Monday of change and a Monday morning of change and a waking up change. And that’s a lot to expect of yourself. There has to be both trajectory and plans and processes that promote success and a general understanding that people shouldn’t live at 0 and they can’t live at 60. They have to ebb and flow and deal.
I know that I want to take some pictures at the end of the year. I have a prop I want to use for these pictures. You most likely won’t be seeing these pictures, but it is possible, if I get my shit together, that you would. I want to see change and confidence and weight loss and bravery. I can only make this visible by changing, losing weight, and developing some confidence. And all of that, when you know life is just as easily a straight line, requires bravery.
So that’s where I’m at tonight.