Redlance and Nightfall

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I am home, unexpectedly.

An incident happened at the event and I was called in early to go sit at the event site while the boss was dealing with the incident.  Then, at 3 or so, I was let loose back in the world.  It felt as though the heavens were opened up because I accepted, however sourly, that I was going to have to work from 2-8, and so getting there at nearly noon was a goddamned drag.  Being set free felt almost, with the dark, malignant thoughts running about in my head, like being let loose from a literal cage.

I had thought I was due in to work at 2pm, anyway, so I would have shown up, having driven down there and ended up having to turn back around.  Or not, I might have been conscripted in an ah well sort of fashion.   It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, but I could have done with a couple more hours of laying here, not thinking about things I ought to think about.  Investing in the magic of

Today was one of those days where you realize your problems are really problems.  In that they do, in fact, impact your life and you are not just quirky in a charming, hapless sort of way.  I learned this when I met my college roommate who was volunteering for me and she was just as I recalled her, though it’s been many moons since we last crossed paths.   She looked festive and smiled genuinely at me and my imperfect, rushed face that I had intended to do up so that I looked quasi-in keeping with my role and the fact that we’re not slobbish college jerks anymore.  But I hadn’t gotten there before the Incident had my boss call me in and so I was there, in that college hoodie, one I realize has holes in it around the wrist, and a thin veneer of foundation that I splatted on before I left the house, and learning about her engagement.   They are buying a house together in a far-off suburb.  Life is good in her neck of the woods.  Her sister is pregnant with twins.

I am happy with myself that I am so wholly and utterly pleased for her that the idea that any of my petty jealousies is just vaporized as I think of it.  Her happiness inflates my own and I nearly teared up with the very real friendship I still feel for her.

All this and I realize, I can’t drive on the main road because it terrifies me into hysterical blindness and panic attacks.  I live in a genuinely messy condo.  I haven’t really had a long-term relationship in..well, yeah.  A while.  There is such work that requires such bravery ahead and I don’t even know where the room is where they’re holding the tests.  I just feel really inadequate, not in comparison with her, but just with the aggregate of friends and acquaintances and even beyond all that…

Beyond any other thing, is this: I want it.  I want it. I want it.  I want to be free.

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