The Midnight Bath

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I am totally embarrassed.  Well, not totally.  Totally would imply that I wouldn’t tell you why I was so abashed.  But hey, this is my crib, so to speak, and I can run my mouth off as I like.

I stayed up till 2a.m. last night (and it might have verged on 2:30) watching the Big Bang Theory.

I am totally embarrassed that I’m leaving spoiler space for the Big Bang Theory.   Here you go, you inexplicable person that exists in that Venn diagram of my readership and people who hinge their lives on the plotlines of major network sitcoms.  Have your space.

 

The Big Bang Theory is my mother’s favorite show.  The show that take geeks and nerds from the wee little ends of the bell curve and calls that relatable.  Still.  For some reason, that can’t possibly have anything to do with the nature of my own heart, I am briefly in a whole Sheldon and Amy thing.   They have a thing and I support it, even if both of them can be the worst about human behavior.  I can be the worst about human behavior, so maybe in this one small way, I do relate.  I  sat on the couch and watched the most recent episode just now.  Live and on TV.  I am sad for them that they’ve broken up even if obviously, and after being massively spoiled myself by a tweet from the Huffington Post I know for sure, that they aren’t going to be broken up for long.  These are slow burning souls.  I get that.  And their windows for happiness of “that type” open a crack only once in a blue moon.  I get that, too.  I just get deeply frustrated for them both as they play out my own frustrations for a laugh.  Everyone on that show is rather obnoxious, even and including Bernadette whom I have been informed is my lookalike. It is dumb, I feel dumb, let’s move on.

You know what’s fun? When you get to the point where you just stop giving a shit.  Oh, lord.  I am not being sarcastic at all when I say that it tonight.

I hate and am exhausted by this whole driving panic thing.  I drink too much caffeine after staying up all night numbed by fake people’s fake emotional lives and it doesn’t matter that I could drive TODAY the event site where I’ve never been midday and feel 8 out of 10 about it and then, the lights go out, and I’m driving home TONIGHT which I haven’t done for a few days and suddenly, jitters, spasms, fear you can’t breathe, your hands are too sweaty to hold the wheel, and all the while, you sit next to yourself and watch you do these things that are without purpose until you feel insane.  It perpetuates itself.  A few days off and I have to run through with my machete and hack down all of that fear again.

When you’ve pulled into a church parking lot and you glance at your phone and have that half-second thought: I can’t go home.  Fuuuuck.  So frustrating.  So bizarre.  So surreal.  So laughable.   I have to trust myself, but it’s not even about trust or fear or wanting to or wanting not to…it is just dread habit.

BORED. Back to the beginning again.

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