I am hungry. I am also divided. I know if I start Dragon Aging, I will never get properly back to this page. I also should be writing, but I think I just have to let that burble and percolate in my mind a bit more and the words I can gin up will add to the total, but they will be casual and in that space rather than crossing over and filling my quota. I keep running out of time every night and stealing more of it from things I really must do – take a shower, eat something that might have a bit of green in it and most definitely, my sleep has been paying for these pleasures
I have accidentally been listening to Ruby Wax talk about Mindfulness and while she doesn’t scream out at me as the calmest person in the universe, she does bring up some important facts. Let the thoughts out but bring it back to center. Just keep bringing it back to center. Today, I have felt the old feeling of guilt because I am taking on these fears and stresses that are not my own, but are, and in response to realizing that I have a role to play in the mitigation of these things I have generated an metric shit ton of bonafide excess stress and run it through my whole body. The day becomes a seesaw of worry and pacification and productivity on the root causes becomes nil.
It’s not a good long term plan and it never has been. This is what caused that wicked depression that ran through me a few years back. I have to stop attaching emotions to these things and stay on-task. And not escape into extraordinary worlds in the middle of conversations I’m having with people, not use the fantasy world as an IV when all anyone is asking of me is just to do my work and my job. I can handle just that much if I take the ballast off of it.
That missing m key is really pissing me the fuck off tonight. I know that I am darting back and forth and I have to draw it all back to my body. To this breath.
It seems as though it might rain and the sky is this sort of precursor to winter sort of gray with the light drawn back and distant as though it is beaming and glowing into some other world, some other heaven and we only get its shoulders. I am hungry, did I say that?, I am and I thought I might run out and get more food at some fast-casual place nearby, but I am not really going for any of the provided options and I can get by with my leftovers.
Yesterday was really good, so there is a natural ebb today. I have to accept that, too. I had my keys, I drove to work, I made a start.
Let’s just try again tomorrow, friends. Let’s just believe in a new day and a fresh start.