It was, because I am a profound glutton for punishment and because I like the place, taking place at the same coffee shop where Mr. Confusion and I had our final, confusing live and in-person correspondence. Of course my thoughts still linger on the circumstances of that occasion from time to time. Of course I still want to know what was and is in his head. I don’t know if it means that I’m reconciled to the fact that he isn’t, despite some pretty overwhelming signs to the contrary, somehow still the “One” (and because I’m definitely not reconciled to that terminology to begin with), but it just feels like pretty necessary and essential feedback for me while I’m at this crossroads.
And it was this crossroads that I wrote about while both my boss and cousin ran late. I thought I would run my brain over some notes for the meeting, whatever those would be, but instead, I thought about the decision I’m being asked to make and the therapist’s request for me to be aware of my anger this month. I have had reasons to be angry – the sudden, random, unfair cancellation of my hotel reservation in Salida, work stress that makes me feel incompetent, trying to figure out this Las Vegas trip which is feeling so expensive for what I emotionally will get out of it and other little minutiae – but for the most part, it doesn’t rise to the level of actual anger. Even when I know I should be. I just feel like it doesn’t do me any good. I just feel like when I’ve been furious in the past, upset, sobbing, raging, punching pillows, wracked with emotion, people just look at me and wait for it to pass and do whatever they were going to do anyway. I feel like it’s made me vulnerable and my experience has never been one of validation. It was one reason I pushed as hard as I did with the Salida fuck-up, because I knew that it wasn’t right. But I never really got near righteous anger about it, I know that I’m scared of it.
So I’m trying to sit with that. I just have the feeling that the anger I allow myself to have is not productive, but it’s also not scary for anyone. And the anger I could have might mean having to deal with someone else’s anger and I find that really petrifying. Less so, than I used to. I have some assertiveness, some skills in navigating that, but I want to avoid it.
Is that part of this dating question? I looked at OKC after a good while of agreeing with myself not to do it because I had no intention of follow-through, and I just felt frustrated, exhausted, stupefied. None of them looked like I should even bother. I should bother, right? I feel like I know all the cons and none of the pros here.
Blah, more tomorrow, in one way or another.