Gumption

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The things we didn’t expect to happen today…driving downtown, asking the guy to coffee (which I am almost entirely probably going to do when I’m done with this post because hopefully, this post will provide whatever gumption I need to do that), and we’ve kinda quasi-sorta started a health challenge.  In which I already have to catch up 2000 steps, but that’s okay.  That’s…okay.

These are bigger things than you might imagine.  Maybe not for most people.  Maybe not for you, you lucky characters, but for me, this is sort of the equivalent of falling through a wormhole and coming out in a whole different dimension where I am more confident and more willing and things are happening for me.

So, we have this meeting downtown Denver.  It’s Denver, folks, I’m going out on a limb and saying I work in Denver.  There’s no real reason for my boss to offer to come back from where she’s been working at home to get me to take me there.  It’s the whole other direction, but she offered the same as the last time, and I breathed a sigh of relief and said, sure, only if it’s convenient for you.  Well, at four, she sent me a message that it wasn’t convenient and she’d meet me there.  Cue instant fugue state where I realize I can’t but I have to but I can’t but I…and I was contemplating Uber.  But that would be 40 bucks to drive to something 12 minutes away.

And so, I looked at the map.  And if I could figure out this roundabout way, I could get there.  And the positive things my little sister said settled in my head, where I know how to drive, I can do this.  It became its own positive fugue where I let my body make the motions and got my head out of the way:  I can do this.  I am doing it.  I can do this.  I am doing it.  Even if the panic made it less than graceful, and there were a few herky, jerky stops to catch my breath, it happened.  I got there.  And, also, I got home in one piece.

I did think about how great it would be to be able to tell the therapist that I did this.  Though, I think that didn’t exactly help when I broke out of downtown onto the slightly less aggressive streets that I knew a little better.  All of a sudden, this felt momentous and weird and oh, right, I have to go to a therapist because I can’t handle driving at all and I just drove downtown and whaaaaa…and boom, whammo, at the smaller intersection, full-blown panic.   But it passed.  They are so awful, but they passed, I’m not having one right now.

I don’t think I could do it again, but of course I could, and will.  And I’ll know those roads ever better and I’ll be less stressed and not watching my gas gauge and thinking my shocks could do with a replacement.

So, I’m getting inspired by a Cuervo ad.  Time to get going.

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