I don’t know why I have the time to do this. I don’t know why I responded to the alarm, got up, took a bath, got ready and now have something like a half an hour left before I have to leave the house and go to work. I’ve been so exhausted and full of hormonal frenzy lately, and last night, with my late meeting and half-falling asleep sitting up, I don’t know why I have an odd, wafer-thin layer of energy to burn right now. I haven’t even had any coffee or cookies or anything. It’s just me.
There is something dynamic about achieving anything, I’ve found, that does draw you a bit further towards accomplishing something else. It’s surely one of those physical laws of nature, one of those laws of inertia and objects in motion tending to stay that way, that I’ve tended to defy. I can begin just about anything, but staying in motion is the hardest for me. Staying on the new course and not sloping, sliding, tending towards returning to the status quo has been the major conflict of my life.
Yesterday, I was at work, having to drive to a new place in this new, unfamiliar section of town. To get myself to work, I have carefully calculated how get there via car, what roads I can “tolerate” and this work requirement was out there, elsewhere. Not so far from work, but right through downtown and its traffic and its drivers who complain about people who can’t drive in the rain. And I had half-decided to get an Uber before I called my sister who lives in the area and sort of half-sidled around the question of asking for a ride. I offered to buy dinner beforehand, though, and she agreed. She didn’t harass me about it or make me feel small for it, which is, frankly, what I was bracing for.
As I waited for her to arrive, I did get this swirl of emotions about why is this necessary? That it would be nice to see her, but why is this an arrangement I have to skulk about and wheedle and deal for? Why can’t I just be free to drive anywhere I choose? When the old therapist talked about that being her wish for me, to be able to drive across the state if I wanted, to go anywhere, I smiled, but there was this voice inside that said, well, obviously I can’t. I would fail at it. I would hurt people with my freedom. I would crash into freedom. I couldn’t handle freedom and, of course, that will never happen. The ol’ crone knew it could never happen.
And for the first time in a while, I thought, why is this happening? Why is this barrier here? Why are we all agreed that I will only drive on certain roads, make certain turns, go certain places? Where is the form that I signed?
And yet, I still accepted the ride. I have to fight this future.