So I am realizing that I really wish I still was going to my therapist or that I could figure out the insurance tout suite to get a new one, because there’s some stuff cropping up right now that I think I need that format to deal with. I think I need an impartial sounding board to advise me. I am really feeling my mental incapacities lately. I’m really feeling, is the thing, and I don’t like it.
If I am a knot and I’m slowly picking at that knot as I lose this weight, I suddenly am aware that this knot was tied for a reason and maybe there’s some ballast at the other end and if I get rid of it, I might fly into the sun.
…the thing that I’ve been mentioning over the past few days. is nothing, but if I let it, I’ve been reliably informed, it would not be nothing. That he is curious about whether or not it might, in fact, be something. And oh, dear reader, I am of every sort of mind about this. I am twelve years-old again and there is an existential threat to my spinsterhood that I can’t quash by going and eating a whole bunch of terrible things and deciding I am too ugly for such coy games as I am playing now. That there is only pain and embarrassment for everyone this way that I’m going.
I’ve done this before, danced up to the edge. And always danced myself back down by eating, making a mess, fucking up the diet, refusing to exercise, laying still and doing nothing about anything until the worries dimmed. In fact, even now I’m wondering if today is the day for this month’s cheat meal, but I know if I get a few things from the store, I could make it through to next week when we’re having our pizza party and just use that as the meal. Of course, I’m thinking that doesn’t really count and I’d just have salad and a bit of the top of some pizza and not charge it against this monthly allowance. But, my mind is off the prize, my mind is starting to recoil as though it doesn’t even recognize it as a prize anymore.
How frustrating that these things coincide. I should be happy. But I don’t even…want to be? I want inaccessible guys who will never compliment me nor know I exist. This throws me, stirs my solutes into my solvents, brings out really awful and disturbing parts of my character. Because I don’t know what it all means and I don’t…
All of it becomes an excuse not to push forward. All of it becomes more and more ballast to keep me on the ground.
In other news, my half-sister and her boyfriend (who was a high school boyfriend she lost touch with) are getting married. Due to the conflicting and compartmentalizing nature of my psyche, I’m pretty delighted for her. This may or may not mean we’d be going to England for the wedding like she talked about last year. Which is pretty exciting and wonderful. I called and told my mother that this was happening and she mentioned how great it was, and how maybe this would inspire my sister and her long-term boyfriend to get hitched and of course, maybe I would join a gym.
It’s…it’s stupid. I feel so damn stupid.