Both Sides Now


I usually hate today.  I don’t mean to.  I try so hard to be cool about it, to not let it get under my skin, these expectations of time and love and presence and absence.  I have nothing legitimate to alter my usual conclusions, but a whisper in my ear that I might be misremembering, but somehow, this isn’t even about that.  I’m always of mixed emotions about Valentine’s Day.  I think everyone is, no matter if they have the reason and means to spend it in the “traditional romantic way” or the reason and means to spend it in the “traditional angry way.”  You are self-directed so much of the year and then these holidays come up and socially, your very experience of the world is crowd-sourced on Valentine’s Day.  I find that rather, eerie.

If you place yourself outside of something, I think, mentally, it becomes very hard to hurry and do the little, unseen things we do to prepare ourselves for change.  To accept that thing we’ve decided is not who we are.  Of course, it’s not impossible, but I think, often, we turn ourselves, or let ourselves be turned, one way or another and set to marching.  It’s hard to turn around, look into the mists, see nothing in any quadrant to draw our and just trust that what we’re looking for is where we’re going.  Is on the same road we’re on.

We just have to trust.  Usually, that is the thing thing that makes me angry and sad on Valentine’s Day. The weight of that trust can be a pretty heavy pack to carry as you go.  But I looked inside it recently and saw that it was full of air.  And that’s made the going less of a bear.  I have the trust and I’m not turning back around.  Death and love will hurry their horses and find me in the end.

It is morning and I’m sipping my shake as I have pretty much every morning for the past six weeks.  I’ve lost nearly 8 pounds in that time.  If I don’t try and measure that against anything, that seems pretty okay.  There’s plans to do some exercise and I know that will make the difference.    This is a whole year situation.  The self-hypnosis is helping (or at least when i did it yesterday, it felt pretty powerful.)

I had intended this post to be a self-Valentine, to be that self-indulgent on a day built for indulging others, but what the heck…

I love that I have made adventures for myself and have been bold in undertaking them, even if i am still afraid of everything else all the rest of the time.
I love the pink in my hair, the weird quirks I have
I love that I want creativity to be a huge part of my life and I love that it mostly is.
I love that I’m trying and learning to both be more comfortable in my own skin and better at letting things go.

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