Sorry About the Doom


The messages I’m getting from the universe are being received.  I just don’t know how or if I’m able to put them into practice.  I resist putting them into practice is what I mean to say.

Tomorrow is a big day at work and I’m not settled into myself at all.   Time still feels loose and free and like it can be spent like water.  I turn around and it is time to do this and I don’t feel sparkling and joyful about it, I’m afraid.  Writing this post feels awkward and talky.  But somehow, starting to play and not worry about it as I type does seem to make me a little bit happier. It’s never impossible.  Just feels that way when you start.  I wish deeply that I had started more than I did.  My glasses are soaking up what surely is only the last allowable glob of kraaaazy glue before they’re considered some sort of sculpture and I’m hoping the bond will stick overnight.and won’t leave them oddly formed and unable to sit on my nose in the morning.

I just..,I had high hopes that I didn’t even acknowledge while I was off and now I just have to set them aside and consider tomorrow a new opportunity, a new void to fill in a new-ish way.

Diet continues.  I feel completely absent of hunger, so I’m trying to combat that and make lots of food so I have options when a craving does hit, but making myself eat has been rough.  I know how many of the old mistakes I’m recreating so I want to try and avoid that.  I want to do this, just as predicted.  I want to make this change.  I don’t crave or miss anything (except when I let my mind focus on the old ways, on the old foods that I would choke down one right after the other in order to fill the void.  To hurry up, hurry up and just get yourself stuffed to the gills.  A+ for eating and happiness.   No, not so much.  I am certainly willing to eat a pizza right now if you put it in front of me, just enough time has elapsed while typing this that I have come around to the idea of carbs.  Luckily, bed is coming fast, there is no pizza to be had, so I can just sleep my way right past this failure.  Would that they all could be so easy.

There’s only fifteen minutes left so I suppose I do have to get moving. I also wrote a bunch today on my terrible, no good, marvelous little fanfic that nobody ever need see.  I still have to take the reminder on board, but it’s starting to have a bit of shape.  I am trying to remember that it only has to be fun for me, not marketable to the slathering masses.  I know what it is to slather, though, so we’re trying…I’m trying to get all the angles in.