Okay, since things are suddenly spiralling in a really shit way, here’s the plan. I am, for some damn reason, feeling really awful. Like sick. I don’t know if it’s from listening to people at the office talk about strep throat, but I have something going on. I’ve got a headache, feel like puking and my throat is starting to feel sore. This sucks and frankly, I’m not all that happy about having to sit upright and compose anything for the universe to read.
I want to lay down here in this bed and die.
So I didn’t post. Nor die. Sorry. The devil on my shoulder justified not doing it and I didn’t. Mainly because my plan was just to try and write five hundred random words and press post. That doesn’t seem to help anything for anyone. It just is petulance and drama at that point. As I was staring at the porcelain fount and considering making an, ahem, offering, I said what the hell does anyone care? They don’t. But they do. But they don’t care so much that I can’t do two posts today and live much the same as if I’d posted some crap last night when my head was about to explode. I don’t have the old guy who stopped in every now and again at my desk and asked me if I did my 500 words anymore. And fuck him, if he won’t forgive me a day of inactivity. Having slept I actually remember the word inactivity. Self-care trumped everyone’s esteem of me which…if it’s based totally on whether or not I press post everyday, that’s too depressing to think about.
Obviously, I do feel much better, stomach-wise and mostly headache-wise. Throat a little scratchier and more desperate than before, but what the heck…I guess I feel talky in my fingertips rather than my mouth. I feel well enough to urgently rush online and explain the happenings with my body (and play Dragon Age, but never mind that) so I must feel better. That’s my measurement, I guess.
Not that I suddenly have the Great American Blog Post rattling around in my brain to give you today, either. Not here and probably not when I post again tonight. Mostly, I’ve been playing my video game, avoiding my friends because I don’t want to get spoilers for the game, feeling fretful and nervous towards generalized nothingness I can’t articulate, thinking about boys on the internet, eating this, that or the other, successfully surviving what may have been a ranch-dressing based food poisoning, and refusing to leave the house. Today may have a bit more cleaning and laying in bed staring at the ceiling in it, but I expect today to be much the same.
Successful Cat Lady Score: +5
It’s what I wanted, the antidote, the reversal of all those weekends where I rush to work and feel my blood pressure skyrocket and feel lonely as hell that way. Here, we have the internet, we have music as loud as we want, we have the ability to just close our eyes and lay down when it gets to be too much.
This is a blessing. It has its downside, but it is a blessing.