At last night’s event, new boss took a ton of pictures, including one of me sitting at the ticket desk and sent them over this morning where I dutifully updated our facebook page with an album of them. I hesitated over posting mine with the rest, eventually deciding that nobody would even look at these photos, and added mine to album. This, I did not realize, as the last photo posted, meant that my mug would be on our company’s main page as the photo header. I’m sure there’s something to be done about that, if only via uploading another photo of anything, but I have to be alerted to the fact that I feel pretty intense about getting it off of there.
But life is busy, busy to the point of insanity, y’know, and I didn’t and haven’t gotten back to doing anything about it.
Now everyone is telling me it’s such a nice picture of me and liking it (not everyone, not like it’s gone viral or anything), but people are walking into my office and telling me it’s a nice picture, people who don’t even follow our page and I look at it and I feel…so….I feel like it’s NOT a nice picture and it shouldn’t even…register on anyone’s eyeballs. I look at it and I see flaws, I see, this lumpy placidness that overtakes me at any work function and I want to disown. I see the reason I’ve always been passed over. To me, when someone tells me it’s a nice picture, or beautiful, my immediate reaction, without filter, is that they’re lying.
And I reblog and laud and cheer all of these pro-beauty is whatever it is campaigns.
Somehow, I am the exception to the rule.
I can do something about it, I guess. I mean, I know I can, it’s just am I willing? I’ve been exercising for a week doing 30 minutes a day. I know it would matter more if I wasn’t also eating cream puffs and hamburgers. I have been thinking if I could just do it between now and Italy in October, take whatever results from that and decide if low-carb/dieting is worth it or if I should just fucking give up the ghost. That’s more drastic than I mean, I just feel very…but at the same time, it’s always going to be my marginal face. I don’t even want to get into the inert space that is where I keep my feelings for how I present myself in the world lately. I don’t think I could get out of that vacuum if I let myself get sucked up.
Here’s what’s what: There was this outlandishly strong hailstorm that seemed like it was going to shatter our skylights, then I dropped my phone and my 9pm coffee all over my lap, I drank my mother’s idea of a margarita which is a glass of limey tasting tequila, I missed out on the funeral of one of our dear volunteers because we didn’t have anyone to watch the shop, and tomorrow, and I thought about what might have been so hard I opened my eyes and was confused he wasn’t there.