Okay, you were waiting for the fuck-uppery, this is the broken record day.
But I’ve already forgiven it, like it or not, and I’m not worried about it really, so I guess there’s no reason for me to project your disapproval back on myself.
I ate carbs. I had blackened chicken tacos, including the tortilla, because I went too far and too long without eating and felt even more legitimately dizzy and because I used my lunch hour to go to therapy and had packed nothing after staying over at my parents, I felt like I had to take corrective action. I felt like maybe going about a month without carbs was somehow fucking me over. And I thought somehow that this was what I wanted and it was easy for me to get that and get back to the office before my writing group.
So, yeah, I have to call this for what it is and say I didn’t make ideal choices. My legs felt like they were locking up, falling asleep, it just…it’s just me and it’s just Mildred making a play, so I came home and ate something low carb to make sure there’s no going to bed hungry around here. And while I know tomorrow may require eating non-low-carb food, it may well not require that. So if I can make better choices, I will feel better overall. But I do feel like something the therapist said was really relevant to me about the “shoulds” I give my life over to don’t actually exist. So berating myself over the fact that I shouldn’t have eaten what I ate isn’t all that helpful. Isn’t helpful at all as though I have some fiat that I must meet in every detail to satisfy the diet gods. Just like my thoughts, the day just comes and goes. This is a long game I’m playing. So the pattern does have to reassert itself. I have to do the situps (I didn’t miss them last night, but I have to do them this might, too) and write up the board.
Today did have lots of good bits in it – circumstances required me to open up to a couple groups of strangers and I made them laugh. I was gregarious and liked, but still myself. That was nice. I also paid enough attention to what I needed and gave that some attention today even if other people’s needs may have lost out while I was taking care of me. Like when I finish this post, I’m getting myself into the bathtub. Luckily, the boss has said I don’t need to be in until 11:00a.m., so I can get the sleep I need again and maybe watch another episode of Mr. Selfridge. It’s a treat of time where I can keep my head together on this, on the reasons, on the places I want to go with all of this.
All of this is a long game, a curious negotiation I have to make every day.
So we can’t get bogged down in the crazy.