It is peeking just around the corner.
I don’t know what else I can say, but it’s coming. I am doing what I need to do to get myself ready for another run at serious self-improvement. I am feeling the momentum build and my desire for more than what I am allowing myself to believe I can have is asserting itself.
I was invited to lunch today with three of the board members who are taking part in the selection committee to help find my new boss, ostensibly to talk about my feelings and my thoughts on what the future should be as far as the way my job should be structured. Beforehand, my current boss and I spoke and he said I should just be strong and speak my mind, referring, I thought, to the potential for someone we know to be selected that I had expressed serious misgivings about. I said that since they were coming to me and asking, I would tell them what I thought. However,they never brought up specific candidates, only mentioning that they felt that I would be comfortable with the direction they were leaning and they had more people to interview. What comfortable means, I don’t think is as open to interpretation as it seems on its face, but I am worried they mean that I should be comfortable with the person I expressly don’t want to get it because I know them. But there was no way to say, hey, that one person who applied? Don’t give it to them. That’s not something I get to do.
So the meal started off rather quietly and they talked amongst themselves though they basically said I could ever I ask them whatever I wanted.
But finally, I got the nerve up to ask about insurance and told them, once they asked how much mine is a month and they didn’t seem put off by the idea that maybe I could have a stipend or something towards it. That it could be considered, anyway, and I realize that I’m essentially asking for a raise (even from people who aren’t the ones who are going to give it to me) and I don’t even care, because I could use it. I’m doing that part of things on my own, and they needed to know as they talked about ushering in change. It sort of opened the flood gates and I talked about being interrupted, even things down to where my desk is positioned. They seemed to take it on board even if I didn’t get the clearest picture as to what it all means.
I at least said my piece about that side of things and more waiting will take place.
In the interim, we settle in the darkness, in the light. The drive was a little bit better today, maybe it’s the lengthening of the day, a few minutes of brighter light making a difference. Still this feeling of panic permeated everything, but I held it mostly at bay. That’s what I’m looking forward to most about low-carbing again: calmness.