I suppose it’s all going to have to be put down to bloggers’ prerogative that even though I am quite aware that I am emotionally hotwired right now and I really can’t handle the paranoid and depressing way I’m framing the events of the day, I’m going to post anyway.
I have to get this out of the way before I can deal with Calling In the One.
I am having one of those days when having a boyfriend would be, actually, really nice. Nice when I have to go to events where every single person around the table is engaged to be married. Nice when my little sister messages me with great news about her promotion and all I have more work, no raises, no health insurance, people throwing frantic and stupid at me all the time, expecting me to fix it. Nice when I get the news that my uncle is having seizures. Nice when I keep trying to eat and do the right things and always end up rolling backwards.
Sorry. I know it doesn’t work like that. I know that’s negativity leeching out of me and warping any slim potential chances I have of, y’know, seduction and allure and beaming out positive rays that somehow make people DTF. I just haven’t felt this fucking sad in a long while. This much of a fucking reality check. So I need to vent before I curdle.
It starts with work just eating me alive, where I can’t even get away to eat lunch, but I do the best I can to eat the low-carb leftovers. No, it starts with my weight going back up. I know the answer is I need to work out or walk – it will make me feel better. I just come home so tired. These are excuses and I have to get past excuses.
I just was beginning to get a little clarity, a little bit of a grip, things where starting to clear up and they’ve gone all cloudy again and all the other forces in the universe have begun to re-assert their will over me. I suppose I should be grateful that fate would even care to lift its thumb and catch me once more.
I didn’t screw up or capitulate as a result of all of this crap, which makes me happy.
CitO is writing about the way we emotionally invest in negative cycles.
I have to believe that same happiness my friends and acquaintances are able to achieve is accessible to me. That I am not diminished, nor my quest, by the successes of others. That however many hearts flung open cross my path, the only thing that matters is me being able to open my own.
And being there was a positive step. Being with people my own age who were happy to see me was a good thing. And I am happy for my sister. And I had an instances of thinking maybe my face wasn’t so bad today. And I tried to be open to ideas of love, I tried to think of Mr. Future caring about me instead of one character caring about another. I came home the most efficacious way I knew how. I did my sit-ups. It wasn’t all a loss even if I feel disappointed and worn out now.
She quotes Kierkegaard, “To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.”
I think I know this, inherently, which is why the light behind my eyes is both cold and burning.