I am aware, Mr. Battery, that you don’t like to work on your own.
Nevertheless, we forge ahead.
Things I love: CreateTV’s primetime lineup. I’m watching Pati’s Mexican Table. The smell of fresh garlic. Bioware putting out new Mass Effect 3 DLC. Salsa chicken. Improving on a recipe and getting ideas about how to improve upon it. Having leftovers so I don’t have to re-invent the wheel. Feeling ever so slightly tighter and smaller. The phrase “dick holster.” Anything and everything Le Creuset. The Great British Bake Off. The genuine happiness of others. Sitting so still I can balance a cup of coffee on the couch without spilling. Re-reading old thoughts and finding a tinge of truth in them.
Things I am grateful for: being able to drive myself home after it already started snowing. Being able to push my legs enough to make them sore the next day. The Keurig brewing me up some Starbucks medium roast decaf to warm up my toes. Family buying me a bookcase, putting it together and soon enough, bringing it over so that it frames my bed. Having enough books to fill two bookcases and getting to pull out more books out of storage. Having strength inside to seek help and, I’m finding, strength to bear the tasks at hand and do the best that I can and be all right with whatever that level is. I’m grateful for the ability right at this very moment to stop. Eating, daydreaming about eating, craving being completely subsumed by the intake that I can’t process the world. Attractive people on the internet. Friends and new acquaintances willing to set me up with genius media. Water. Gum. Breathing. Shepard’s advice to just worry about the next twenty meters. That tomorrow is already Tuesday.
Wouldn’t it be nice if: I would like to have a big kitchen one day and fill it with Le Creuset cookware. And sharp knives and room to work and experiment. It would be nice if everyone just took a step back and breathed tomorrow and since everyone won’t, it’d be nice if I took charge of myself and allowed myself room to do that. If I made time to practice ukulele or guitar tomorrow? If I threw away my trash instead of staring at it and imagining the possible futures in which I would throw away my trash? If I got to go on a long vacation somewhere sunny and where it didn’t matter what I wore, and on that long vacation, someone became deeply infatuated with me, wit and all. Wouldn’t it be lovely if I knew that I only could last so long on treating myself sanely and well and I just advanced right along, bumblebee style anyway. If my body could just relent and make a lesson for my mind. I woke up rested and assured and didn’t quaver at the maybes I must confront but thought instead of the things I love and the things I am grateful for.