Iris

You can let it get you for a minute, or you can let it get you for an hour, a day…

I’ve let it get me far too much.

This is what I said elsewhere and I mean it as a start to say some things this evening and as it falls within the hours, I’m calling it fair game to copy over.

“Sometimes I feel like the world is small and lame and that I have some of those qualities by virtue of choosing to show up here at this time in our tempestuous history, however, then I come across such a thing as this and I feel rather in awe of humankind. (Also, the universe seems to be looking down on me and laughing tonight, for which I am greatly relieved.)”  It was a picture, it should be noted, of the world’s biggest cylindrical aquarium which is in a hotel somewhere but seems to me a delightfully massive reminder of the power of human engineering and interest.

I finished playing my video game – by which I mean I hit that odd moment where you wonder why the hell you’re playing checkers with a Colonial man who is kicking your ass and letting your life pass you by – and I got up and turned off the lights and felt gross after the McDonald’s meal that is part of this miserable end of the year food hurrah I am participating in willfully.  I suddenly felt rather disconnected and full of despair.  I felt like my friends were doing different things, my family was doing different things, and I was just in this shadow, being lame and unwanted and running through weird motions.  I felt, briefly, numb.

But, magically,  breaking away from that world where I have no personality, only that of my rather personality-free avatar, brought me back to a happy state.  Happy enough, anyway.  I remembered countless things I loved.  I remembered the great effort I had put in today to wash my clothes and vacuum and think positively.  I remembered that I am moving forward and giving up things that are worthless, one of which are these assumptions that I am worthless or that anything I do is permanent.  I remembered that I loved those who I have chosen to be in my life.  I remembered that crack is wack yo.  I remembered that I still have two days off.  I remembered that I do well with joy.  I remembered that I am not bound to anything.  Not permanently.

The wangst.  It’s not permanent.

So, off, I go, getting ready for one more day of crap mixed with starting to get things right.  Mixed with putting my real needs first.  And those needs are good food, clean house, open heart, words on the page.  And so much laughter it’d make an honest man cringe.  A vortex of Adventure Time-style good times.

Even with all the stress and anguish of this year, and all that still to come, it flew by so fast.  I know that if I take it bird by bird, day by day, week by week, month by month and don’t lose track of my goals, I can feel amazing in 2014 and beyond.

That is what I want.

 

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