I am dancing around the chore of beginning this post. It’s a chore, it’s a blessing, it’s a tool, it’s a relief. It’s a lot of different things to me all rolled into one. We’re coming up on three years of daily blogging. And I think I’m thinking hard about what that means or what it could mean.
I am thinking about if I wanted to gather the best bits over five years or ten years of blogging and compile that into a publishable book, that’d be all fine and dandy, but what’s the theme and what’s the point if I don’t change through the telling? What would anyone get out of it? What’s the actual struggle to have someone learn from if I can’t suss it out and instead, march along the same rut with occasionally different wallpaper?
So, 2013 has to involve me doing things and reporting on things and pushing envelopes and learning and making big change like losing as much excess weight as the year will allow, maybe doing everything I need to do to quit my job and find a new one that will let me be happy all the time and not just when I force myself to relax so I don’t get an ulcer. I mean, I really feel like taking it on as a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, biannually, and annual quest will keep the pieces small but the overall goal in front of me.
In the interim, as I wait to not get eviscerated at work before the end of the year and for the calendar to flip over, I’m feeling all kinds of crazy. Obviously, in 2013, I want to essentially give up binging. Which is necessary even if I don’t change anything else about my diet. But what that means is that right now…I am a bit three sheets to the nutritional winds. Or…whatever. And it’s obvious that food can completely devastate your brain, your mood, your physical sense of self even on an hour by hour basis. Letting myself eat whatever I want is all well and good, because I’m telling myself, last chance, last chance. But ugh, ugh, no more Whippets. No more marshmellow, eggs benedict anything.
I just always feel like I could eat something which is actually “I could distract myself by eating something” and those are two different things.
So I’m trying to get a grip, deal with the stress I have and not lose my mind in the process so that I can be on something of a firm footing when I make 2013 happen.
I was going to talk about what we did today, the nice breakfast we had, strolling around Boulder and going to a bookstore which naturally made me think of people, watching the Broncos win as though I had something to do with it, hanging the decorations on the tree, or even just trying to reconnect with a few of my favorite people. But I’m sort of running out of space for that. I’m just gathering myself up and continuing the voyage.