Oh, lord, this whole getting healthy thing is horrifically uncomfortable right now. My legs are throbbing in an itchy way that I think means I need to stretch them, because they’re not getting the pressure on them I want and ugh, ugh! That and my overall sense of nausea is increasing.
Okay. The TV is set-up. I’ve watched some Cinematic Titanic to christen it. I have done the exercise bike. I have done the situps. And the dog was walked for half an hour of lurching and avoiding killing septuagenarians who greeted the both of us on the street. I could honestly still use some Ben-Gay, or some IcyHot for my legs, but at least no triskadekaphobic-triggering shit went down today. It was just a day. Which is nice because those have been so rare. So few and in between.
I know I’m pushing my legs hard. Well, not really, but more than they’re used to, much more. And I know the food is getting there, evolving every day as I get my fill of salt and quench the craving for a while. Right now, I feel I’d be better if I never ate another thing again and I ate lightly today. Light, as I would describe, which is basically not falling off the wagon. As achy and itchy, and just discomfitted as my legs are, even after a good stretching, they and the rest of me kind of do feel good.
The nausea has subsided. I have stopped thinking I need to take over the world. I have stopped thinking I need to be anything other than in process. In the mill. For tonight, I have stopped trying to win a diet race, an exercise marathon, a popularity contest. I have just said this is the day’s work, and it is done, it is over, and I can turn my thoughts elsewhere. I can daydream now, I can miss people, I can miss the things they might have said about the creek running low and overflowing with tubers, and the low-brow gossip about such people who could be so entertained. I miss the way they might have made me feel special in this season of drought where things tend to make me feel put-upon or patronized long before they make me feel special.
Things are just going alright with the diet. The willpower exists in this window frame between now and when I go to Bristol and hopefully, between then and the 28th and 29th. It comes to me that as wonderful as it would have been to get the message across to the distracted, computer-absorbed teen I was, to get active and start then with life change…I just don’t think it could work until right now. Right this moment. Given what I’ve seen of the world, given how I feel about my place in it and my opportunities? I have a really great chance right now. I have support, but I have independence. I have the materials and food at hand and I don’t have to always eat what everyone else is eating. It’s a good chance.
Now, it’s time to get my legs in some water.