Woke up in Minneapolis in the sweaty, overloaded air. Am home in the Denver area now in an equally charged, though not so moist ether. The computer feels like it’s about 9000 degrees. Does this mean I’m going to take it off my lap? Not hardly.
So, I was pretty sure this post was going to be about my sister again and how she pretty much destroys all vacations and all self-esteem and all semblance of a normal familial experience with her psychic vampirism and her philosophy of Manifest Libido. Which is, of course, she wants to get laid so the universe had better bend to her will including all laws of physics, time, space, any of us errant dependents she’s managed to pick up as barnacles on her great Pussitania. Disgusting analogy, but entirely appropriate given her response when it appears that we can’t just making the plane take off or make my parents be any less overzealous about the safety of our family in a rental car on in a new city where they haven’t driven the roads to the point of deep memorization. Those being our cases, she screams, she curses, she rips the earth right along the horizon. She snarks and rages and confesses to sins to justify herself. She throttles you with her voice and how little she cares that it bothers you. She does it to resolve her frustration and she does it because she’s bored and she does it because no one can stand up to her. And that’s the facts. But that is old news, just forgotten until this weekend. And I’m home now and I don’t live with her and as sad as I am that she treats my mother exactly that way while living rent-free, I have a whole other sea of fishes to fry and my own terrible problems and my own frustrations and loneliness. I am definitely sitting in a glass house and pitching bigger and bigger pebbles at my pretty walls.
So, here’s what I know as of right this very instant. I am going to keep writing until I finish this story’s first draft. I am going to take a cool bath. I am going to set out my clothing for tomorrow. I am going to get a trash bag and throw away five things. I am doing 30 days low carb + exercise exercise starting tomorrow. This includes tomorrow for both items. Like it or no. We said we would, so we must!
Freedom doesn’t always mean being a layabout. In fact, it hardly ever does.
Freedom is about not having to be a wretch in your own head when you have all the tools to make yourself into whatever it is you want to be.
Me, I want to be airy, comfortable, loving and loved, in beautiful places, dangerous with a pen, safe with money, full of dreams, not bothered by screaming because I’m settled in myself and my path, less egotistical than I currently feel, with access to venom but no reason to loose it.
I am worthy of a good plan. But more than that, I’m worthy of action.