I have a different font for some reason. I wonder if this will inspire a different sort of post. It looks a little more clinical, somehow.
It’s just about time to wake up.
Wake up to what, I have no idea, but this can’t go on. So I’m just about off to do something important or more important than Tumblr and contemplating my day. You know you’re in trouble when you don’t want to talk about how you’re doing. When you want to wait out the tide, when you talk about needing breaks and rest and change of pace. When the thing is right, the breaks find their way in without upsetting the assembly line and the rest comes from actual rest and not grinding everything to a halt.
Though, sometimes, honestly, the only way to deal with things that overwhelm you is to take a breath and clear your head. So long as you don’t do what I’m doing which is let the anxiety fill up that space the breath used to take up so that it makes it really hard to get back to even keel. Listening to Gillian Welch’s new album which is about as magical as I wanted it to be and in line with the inspiration that would help stoke this fire of creativity I got burning in my belly. Kentucky music. I’m hoping the real heat will back down, all this sticky sweat finding my neck and joints, all this disassociation will stop.
No, I know it will. Because I know what’s causing it. And I know how to stop it and I’ve written this post a dozen times before. I know the malady and I know the cure, much as I hold my nose over it. I know it exactly.
Oh, here’s the patterned resolution to the pattern. Five small things. Things too small to count. And a list. And a lukewarm bath. And a good book, not this terrible, terrible, soulless writing about the saving grace of cooking polenta that has been dragging me down. I am giving up on that, I can assure you. (I am all ego today.) And then, most importantly, sleep. Just deep, neck releasing, cold air, light sheets sleep.
It’s got to be in the high eighties in here, so I hope you forgive me for trailing off even more than I usually do. I made the mistake of checking another email account which I gave to a new friend in the hopes of working on a project I do not have time for, but am passionate about and will make time for it and it showed me all the wordpress likes. I do not mention this in the attempt to generate more of them, but it does remind me that there are people watching even out of boredom or bemusement and I’m sure I am a very frustrating creature, indeed. I frustrate myself to near-tears as it is.
Just wanted to say that I don’t mean to fail right now, and I’m not failing hard, I’m just not committed when I know people want me to be and I’m bristling against that and I know that’s a waste of time. And yet, I’m doing it anyway.
Just forgive me and give me time and I’ll be back at the top on this wheel of fortune.