I’m not feeling super zen right now.
I’m feeling like a person who ought to confess. So, let it be done. I had pizza and a chicken sandwich today. They were free and I was over tired and under caring. I care now, though, as you always do after the fact. There was no malice, no plan to thwart the system, just an application of factors and a bad result. I’m learning.
I am sitting in my bed which is covered with a half-extended and unpacked makeup case and various lumps of clothes. The fan is spinning gently overhead, whirling just quick enough for the breeze to be cool. My window has been fixed today by the power of fathers (and not Greyskull) who sneak in while you’re at work and do home maintenance as if they’re the Tailor of Gloucester. Apparently, though I haven’t confirmed this, my toilet has been sorted as well. I was, for several months though I failed to report it here, taking off the lid and flicking it once the well refilled every time. Which, if you know anything about low-carb and drinking the proper amount of fluids, got old very fast. Things are everywhere, though and I need to get myself in order and I need to care and I’ve spent all day basically not caring about anything or anyone and it’s annoying. It’s wasteful. It’s not my personality and it sucks.
So I don’t know why I woke up this morning just aggravated at my existence. Just DIE DIE DIE at nothing and no one in particular and I sort of skated along at work and skated through my thought processes and skated through my food choices and just told myself it really didn’t matter and blah blah blah. There was shit in there, too, about yesterday being the zenith of the year and that really I was a loser only rolling downhill towards Loserville, city center and a lot of self-castigation and recriminations and agony which deserves the punishment of food. But you know, in that subconscious way where you’re acting as if you don’t know the reasons for your bullshit because that’s what lets you get away with it.
Just annoyed with myself on all fronts today and it shouldn’t have anything to do with the scale because it’s not going up. It’s just a long haul. Even in small pieces. And I didn’t hit the mark today at all. So, I can just offer my apologies, cut my nails and work on my guitar and try and tell a story about a boy who loved a girl who loved a boy through some very strange and dark times. I can only tell you I don’t want to do it again and I want to own my movements in this world and to come toe-to-toe with everything I’ve screwed up.
No ostrich days, at least, not tomorrow.
Goal: 153 by July 1