Light Deer: Day 29

.2 is nothing in the great scheme of things.  It is nothing in even the small scheme of small things that I eyeball everyday in the hopes of sudden, total transformation.   But it appeared.  An offering in the face of a wavering, tired spirit.  A .2 proof Balm of Gilead.   I lost .2, and it may well be that .2 will return in the morning, a fluke, a blip, a never-was.  But for now, it is what I need to seal off that crack in my cast-iron will.

Things can change.  Things do change.  Things transform wholly and utterly without our consent.  And over time, will can mold the future, too.

I will not give up even if come June 15, I am not at my goal. I’ll just move the goal posts, start from where I am and pick a new goal.

But I will think positively and I will get done the things I need to get done upon which I will elaborate below.

Before the concert, I’d like to get my hair dyed/cut and I think I can get that done tomorrow.   We’ll see what I end up wearing, but I’ll have happy hair.  Happy hair can resolve a multitude of sins and potential emo weepiness which I will do my damndest to circumvent, but we’re right in the ring of fire (oh, god, that’s the most apt and terrible analogy ever for pre-menstrual behavior) and I may be horrible to be around.  Let’s just say right here and now and before all the ever-present spirits and forces of the universe that I am not going to be a snot or an asshole or a bitch despite what the hormones within may demand of me and despite some pretty-rage inducing logistics.

The lesson I never learn but seems most necessary for me to learn is that I don’t always have control.  Sometimes I have great intentions, but the results don’t turn out.  I just want to release the clamp on what this experience will be like.  I just always want to not be left behind, in awkward positions, in weird places that I’m not familiar with how to navigate and so new situations don’t come at me as much as they should so that I get comfortable with the great maybeness of life.

What I’m saying in this vague way is that I want to get to the concert at the right time to be in front and I want to have enough to eat and drink that day so that I can enjoy the show without panicking about passing out and what not and I want my sister to be calm and relaxed and enjoy it as much as I do so that we can hang about and get autographs and I can then go home and back to my regularly scheduled programming with the glories rattling round in my head and the fear conquered.

That’s the plan.  There is no control, but this:  your life is yours.  Unhappiness and happiness.  Turn your head, gulp, and turn back.

Today: 157.2
Yesterday: 157.4 oh ho ho
Goal: 155 by June 15

 

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