What a daze I’m in from this heat. My cell phone battery is overheating. I can’t spell awesomeness or anything else, really.
I’m not going to be the cleverest writer I hoped to be today. I thought about it, as I do, throughout the day. Pondering what kind of post we’d end up with. Hoping it would be incisive and rhetorically-rich and thematically powerful. Realizing that’s sort of not what we do around here anymore – if we ever did. Gerunding just for the hell of it.
I am hot and I have to exercise. It’s like the law. Luckily, I ate a little bit earlier so it doesn’t seem so impossible to work out after dinner.
I’ve been doing this pretty hardcore for three weeks. Ain’t eating bread, ain’t eating tortilla chips, ain’t having pasta. Today was really the first time I felt grouchy about it and it wasn’t extreme grouchy at all, it was just a sense of sacrifice that I haven’t felt or at least haven’t acknowledged at all since I began. It always seemed critical as hell that I have a carb outlet. That I get to have all those things, or I’d go nuts. That going without is a 2 weeks maximum deal and then, I have to fall apart. Life will get in the way, we’ll have an event, something will happen and I’ll let myself get in. But so far, eh, there’s not been a reason to fuck myself up. The goal is clear, the process clear, the scale maddening but not in charge of me, and I want to go to this concert feeling wonderful. Not perfect. Not resolved and thin and over it. Not fantasy wonderful. Just human and in progress and with a goal achieved. I really want that and I think it will spur other good things.
So today, after I ate my salad and I was inundated with work post-Farmers Market, post-weekend, there was the usual office chatter about taking a break or checking out the new yogurt place and for the first time, I felt pretty dopey. Like I can’t even have a little cup of yogurt? And right now, right now, I can’t! Eventually, I will be there and able to have just that little cup but I know myself. I know my insidious nature. I know I can get myself to believe anything is harmless if you just mean well. I know I can relent once and suddenly, I might as well have never tried to restrict anything. But it was sort of miffing. Especially when my cute shirt wasn’t this loose, flowing garment on me like I hoped. Just frustration battling against control. Rare as fuck, but control won.
So, no yogurt for me. And really, the day went by so fast that I looked up and it was time to go home and eat dinner and now I’m so filled with chicken and green beans that it just seems ridiculous to try and eat more.
WHAT ALL THIS MEANS: I am trying so hard, guys.
It’s only 3.2 pounds. God.
Goal: 155 by June 15