Miss Impatiens: Day 20

So, part of this journal is this earnest desire to deal with shit as it crops up – inasmuch as one can deal with their own personal emotional baggage in 500-ish words.  So what’s happening now is that I am doing really well with the self-control aspect of this.  I’m not eating much carbs at all because I’m being pretty careful about what I’m eating overall.   I’m drinking more fluids, and working on more water.  I’m not doing 100% genius eating – with iron will – and the First Lady’s plate (albeit lopsided for my purposes)…I didn’t eat at all at the market today just because every impulse I had seemed just not quite right.   Like this amazing brick oven pizza they cook onsite and everyone was eating it and I didn’t feel crazed or anything.  I didn’t feel like a junkie needing a fix.  But I guess it was in that area.  I guess it was vaguely like an addict trying to figure out how they can negotiate in their own heads to justify having a little bit of what they’re addicted to and I had just enough backbone to say, well, if you’re not where you want to be and you said you had these goals and you’re frustrated as hell with your non-sensical scale – let’s not.  Just let’s not.

And it’s weird.  My friend was there, who I guess I only have emotional inklings towards when he’s around (classy, very class), and he was, true to form, very gregarious and kind and pleasant.  And I felt like there was something of a revelation that it was okay for everyone (EVERYONE) to know that I’m not eating carbs right now.  That I’m doing this for myself right now and as nice as it is to get free bread and pastries, or to run head first into a chocolate-dipped banana (ahem), it’s not forward motion.  For a long time, that wouldn’t be possible.  I’d downplay it and make it obvious that it was private and secret and nobody’s business.  I’d make it awkward.  This wasn’t overly awkward, even though I feel frustrated about having to have to do it,  it just was.  Like friends talk.

So with all of that as preface, I am frustrated.  I know numbers are numbers and I feel tighter and better and less googly-eyed and helpless to food impulses.  But the scale is wonky or I am wonky and driving me batty.   I want to feel that this is progress.  That this really measured and focused attention to how I eat and getting water and moving myself is not just sloshing the same 6 pounds around.  I want it to work this time.

And it is working.  And I am okay.  And it will take time.  And exercise.  Hard work.  And I don’t want to hear it, but that doesn’t change that those facts are true.

Today (at 6:44am, about an hour earlier than I usually weigh-in) 160.4
Yesterday: 158.6 – it’s either the scale or not enough water/salt.  Again.
Goal: 155 – June 15

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