Just as an fyi, because I don’t know that I’ve been using the greater portion of these posts to delineate this, but I haven’t been fucking up. I really haven’t been. I haven’t been secretly having burritos at the mexican restaurant our staff haunts, I haven’t been sneaking bits of bread or crackers at the ribbon cuttings. I haven’t been blowing off breakfast. I haven’t been laying around. I just haven’t been doing the wrong things, but unfortunately, I haven’t been doing enough of the right things with enough vigor and zest, I guess.
My zest is going to be at a premium for the next three months, but I am determined and have shown some small proof to myself today, not to be swept once more into the event undertoad. It drags you down and suddenly, you can’t think straight and you can’t do your usual routine. You have to SURVIVE. You have to deal with these twelve hour days and the ineptitude of everyone around you and your own serious ineptitudes on top of your flagging spirit and food always sounds like the right answer in that situation. And luckily, at the speed I’m going right now, food doesn’t sound like anything but one more act on the to-do list.
So, that’s the status report detail you probably were not looking for. I just felt like I should give it given that as sure as I am that I will get to my goal by June 15 – at the moment, it kind of looks like I’m dicking around. I want to assure the powers that be, and of course and as always myself, that I’m not just dicking around. I’m caring! I’m being faithful and true! So in the end, given time, I’ll be exactly where I need to be.
On another note, I wrote last night and it was actually fun. It’s probably going to be one of the more critical moments in the book however the book actually shapes itself, and I feel like the beats aren’t perfect, aren’t sharp, but they’re emerging. It’s a decently shitty rough draft and writing that section which I always considered too…controversial for me to be able to encapsulate or to even try writing because I’d write rings around it and not the it – itself – of an inappropriate desire for an inappropriate relationship rearing its head. And I got close. Didn’t get it exactly right and there’s not the subtlety or nuance that will shade it once it’s settled in its context, but, I’m in the same hemisphere now. This is a good, encouraging thing.
Another ball to keep up in the air.
Um, I don’t know what else to say. Going to walk about a bit and exercise somehow. Get on the bike and stare into the center of oblivion or find a way to kill Warren on Walk It Out with my bare hands.
Smooth, easy ride, kids. It’s a smooth, easy ride.
Today: 160 on the nose
Goal: 155 by June 15