Whatcha gonna do?
I am going to make dinner very quickly here once I dispense with my duties for the day. I’ve eaten today, but not quite enough and so it’s probably back to eggs and bacon and salad since I cleverly left my cold chicken carcass and greek salad at the office. Clever being a far more clever way of describing plain forgetfulness.
I suppose the only way to up my word count tonight and not regale you with more shitty rough draft slices of the dream within the dream of my head which may not end up meaning anything at all is to be a bit meta. To talk about the process even though what formula seems to be working for me is not talking about losing this weight but just driving myself forward into actually doing it. I’m halfway through the “induction” phase of this fairly strict Atkins-style diet. (still allowing myself caffeine and pop, but I don’t really crave soda at all…) and obviously I’ve lost some weight. It’s enough that it’s noticeable to me, though it doesn’t blow me away or make me uncomfortable yet. 148 is where that serious discomfort and disturbed feeling has cropped up in the past. Just below 150 which is the far left field of the ballpark of where I think I should be. So really, I’m about halfish ways towards that point and I know that I have to get ready for that if this time is any different.
I don’t exactly know how, though, is the problem.
Self-confidence, now! Just shout it into the mirror, or perhaps lovingly insist it at myself like the old Al Franken SNL sketches? One of my boss’ friends, one whom I have seen go through a painful and surely terrifying transformation in my five years of knowing him, came by and asked how I was doing. I smiled and said fine. He said you’re always fine. I said, well, what’s the use of being otherwise? He said I need to find me a girlfriend like you.
I know that these kind of compliments from someone whom you wouldn’t date for a multiplicity of reasons don’t really count, but I felt good about it. Being a positive, friendly (even if I fake it) type of person who might lift the psychic burdens of others is something I merit in myself. Someday, someone who I would date and will date, will see that, too.
I don’t know that I can self-affirm my way into this door, though. At least I’m going to stop kicking up dust about ugliness and skulking Quasimodos and Elephant Women in the cavernous environs of my head. We are not allotted a single level of beauty to which we can rise with makeup and all of our personal magic and otherwise drift and fall beneath. Somedays we’re all internally haggard and savage and difficult to be held in the mind of another, even another who loves us. Others, we carve right to the Michaelangelo in those around us and can see no flaws.
There is no reason to brand ourselves with the Scarlet U. No reason to fear.
Goal: 155 by June 15
(I think this recap is actually helping, though I may just be saying that because today it went down instead of going up, but nevertheless.)