I feel quite brusque today. I wish I could have a glowing fifty foot safety circle all the way around me and in weaker moments, I’d move that out to fifty miles. I do wish that I could eat in the direction of my irritation which seems to be very universal. I feel, in my marrow, that it would really help, even though how could it possibly? It couldn’t impact my workload or the petty irritations that are so frustrating. It’s the sign and not the signified or the signifier.
Okay, I have a little extra time right now which if I wasn’t talking to my friends and filling up my little social bar, I’d probably be putting myself through my paces on the Wii. Need to make sure I take care of it, but for the moment, I feel very …old me. I feel like I just need to hang out and chat with mah fraynds and completely disconnect from all the failures of the day and the weirdnesses of tomorrow where we have 60 dorky college students and vast smorgasbord of pizza and doughnuts that I will have to spiritually and zenfully deal with. I don’t want to have to be accountable to anything and that’s a bad response when you’re really digging even these terribly minor changes that are taking place by minding myself just a little bit.
So much so that when the phone guy came to add a phone line for one of the upstairs office tenants and he was just the slightest bit nice to me and was just the slightest bit handsome and built and wearing a tight white shirt that I was thinking about how lovely it was that I didn’t feel completely heinous and worthy of hate. That maybe it wasn’t so outside of rational thought to think that was in the realm of flirting or that I wasn’t completely dippy to think that was a smile just for me. At least not in the pre-diet train of thought that would pretty much self-deprecate any such possibilities out of existence. We live in the small, flimsy hope that the other tenant will also need to install a landline and the same dude will turn up and I can have my really quite healthy, but ultimately fruitless fantasies about him.
So, enough I’ve had a good dinner and now and I’m alright. I question the wisdom of what I’m doing right now. I question my head. I don’t question the diet or my life, really, but I question my head and my reactions and if I’m letting myself get drifty. I don’t want to be drifty.
I have fifteen more minutes. No big ideas for how to finish this day off except maybe to say hi to the spambots that have invaded yesterday’s post and may show up for this one. Nothing’s coalescing and I need to warm up my feet and put away the butter so, mes amis, I sign off. Onward and upward.