Okay, now that we’ve got that first thought out of the way, it’s time for the confessions and the rekindling of good energy and re-centering into myself, the only home I’ve got. Confessions: I didn’t have a healthy lunch. I was over at my half-sister’s and I made what she ate which was very good and not healthy. French dip sandwiches and twice baked potatoes and cream puffs. I didn’t get seconds, but I ate some of everything and I didn’t have the vegetable tray. So, that was bad. I was frustrated and that’s my excuse, but I have have a good dinner planned and exercise to do and my friends to chat with and I don’t feel so steamrolled anymore. It doesn’t either let me off the hook or make me stop wanting to lose weight. Just got to do as I intend and move forward.
Fitness progress fact: I can pull these pants off without un-buttoning them. Fitness progress fact number two: the brand new scale that cannot read my body fat because my feet are apparently filthy and wrong no matter how many times I wash them, but the scale reading adds 5 pounds to the top of my project. This is frustration and I have to look it in the eye and tell you and myself that it really doesn’t matter.
So, after running around a bit and calming myself down about hanging out with my little sister after she insists that the Starbucks guys were hitting on her and when I didn’t say anything about it (to me they were just borderline over-cheerful), she makes sure I know that she’s been hit on like a million times in her life and she KNOWS when she’s being hit on. This is her in a nutshell. She’s just reporting facts and because you don’t engage her and and agree and laugh when she says something like that or if she tells you you’ve got food all over your mouth and you don’t immediately thank her for the service, you’re being a bitch.
I have absolutely nothing to say in this regard and it’s hard for me to be pleasant when the conversation begins with the assumption that she has worldly experience and we’re her podunk, Gilbert Grape’s mother-looking, floppy family she needs to scream into acceptability.
I really want my self-esteem to blossom and overcome this reaction. I want to not care and just be, but I haven’t gotten there yet. It’s just a number but it’s colored the whole day.
Tomorrow’s work. If I can, I’m going to be with the friends, eat the very light dinner, do the exercise, pick up for 15 minutes and get ready for tomorrow. Brace myself well and fully and do what I can to cheer myself up. My birthday’s next week and I am starting to have expectations. I’m starting to think I could maybe have it the way I want and that’s not going to happen. It’s another day. We still have to do our work and the best way is forward, with alacrity.