A Human Fish

Watching Blood Waters of Dr. Z.   I haven’t seen this MST3K before and I adore it.

It is snowing.  Snowing lightly and I am ignoring the impulse to spaz and be angry and frustrated since I absolutely have to go to work tomorrow and I don’t know how to deal.  But I will deal, one way or another, and I’ll get it sorted somehow.

In other news, I’ve not given up! Huzzah for me.  One more day of moving forward and not having to collect myself or hurtling backwards.  Almost time for an apple.   And it’s 3:00pm! I’ve also done some biking and some cleanup and I’ll do some walking and writing later and really since that’s mostly what I need to do on a given weekend, that’s probably where I should stop.  But I don’t want to set that precedent.

Okay, a few hours later, not much  more clarity on any subject.  The snow is, per usual, messing with my head and making me tense and nervous about getting a ride.  I’m trying to be responsible and asking around, telling myself that if I can’t get a ride in, I can take the bus.  I’m not calling my co-worker despite her telling me that she’d give me a ride since that is infinitely too far and pointless for her to do.  It’s fine when I live four minutes away from work and am on her way home, it’s not fine when it’s 30 minutes in the other direction.  I’m also not going to call my boss and bother people.  I just…I want to not have to worry about this.  I want – earnestly – to be able to work from home tomorrow.  But I can’t.  I have to deal somehow.  Grrrrrr.  The littler sister says the roads are fine, but you really cannot tell from here.

I am acutely aware how neurotic this entry is about something that most people can handle.  I am acutely aware of how buckling up and dealing with things is what I should be doing to get better as I try and get better in other ways.  That I shouldn’t let this take ownership of me.  I know that because that’s how I stopped driving entirely for years.  But, nevertheless, I see snow and I tremble.

Soon, it’s friends and show watching time and I’m not eating enough but I’m not hungry.  I went on the bike and cleaned and I don’t think it’s exactly 185 calories so I might go back on the bike later just to help me deal with my head and make stir up some desire to eat.   It’s nice that exercise does sort of do that for me.  It turns off all this self-involved delusion and the sort of nightmares that stew in my skull and all I’m doing is just spinning the wheels while the rest of it fragments off into outer space.

Tomorrow will be a hard day, too.  Kind of makes you wish you had someone in your corner that wanted to see you smile, wanted to indulge you just this much instead of wanting to be sure you were being a better person.