Well, hidey-ho! I think some of you or some of me was pretty sure that I’d not show up today. Well, I don’t know. I mean, I knew I’d be here but I wasn’t entirely sure if it would somehow be weird or mean less or not feel like it counts in the same way. But everything counts. The smallest cobbling together of willpower and accidentally not flaking out and getting lucky and just happening to have to deal with some bizarre situations can add up to mean that you’re suddenly where you want to be.
Suddenly, I’m where I want to be. At least in the mental sense. Physically, I’m in my old room at my parents’ house waiting out the heating guy who should call us tomorrow, I would think, after the holiday. I don’t want to be at home, freezing, but I am looking forward to getting the furnace looked at and fixed and then working more on the house. I was doing so well with my cleaning at night and being excited and revved up about it and then, situations – life, I suppose – have intervened and suddenly the whole place feels torn up again so that other “better” people can come over and clean it “properly.” But that’s a stupid frustration that doesn’t mean anything other than me wanting control and ownership and the praise I would supposedly get for cleaning the house top to bottom and making it perfect, which is, admittedly, something I would never do.
So having gotten over my first emo convulsion of the new year, I realized that I had sort of made a commitment in the same way I committed to writing. This commitment is about doing something with myself to lose weight and feel better. If I was committed, that meant I had to take some kind of action today otherwise it’s just another resolution crashing and burning before it even gets out of the gate. I need accountability and a method, just like I needed this site and the concept of 500 words. So, I’m sparkpeopling it again. I’m doing their 28-day bootcamp along with, I assume, hundreds of thousands of people out in the world who want to be back on track as the new year opens up. This means exercising. Not a lot, but a little bit every day. At least ten minutes which is also like the five hundred words in that it seems like a lot until you get into it and then you realize you could just keep going and going and it’s as natural as swimming to a fish.
So I’ve done today’s exercise, I’ve eaten reasonably and am drinking water. I need to finish the cup over there, actually. I’ve taken before pictures. I have all the tools, I have no limitations but my own brain and my own feelings. It’s a matter, really, in the end, of letting it happen.
I can get so scared that being skinny is a loss of control. Being healthy means facing the possibility that you might be unhealthy. The anxiety and unhealthiness is in control. Not me.
And today, I’m doing a little bit to take it back.
I’m here! And you are too!
And I think, just so I’m official, if we’re trying this again: I will participate in wordpress’ daily blog challenge thing, too. Might as well if we’re already taking on the universe.