No Amount of Coffee, No Amount of Crying

I am out of sync with the universe.  Out of sync with myself.

Everything feels really screwed up.

I want to stop and start fixing everything, but right now that feel like hacking off the weeds at their head and not their root.  There’s only a few minutes before somebody comes over and I need to cry.  I know a few posts ago I wrote about how I needed but couldn’t cry, hadn’t in an age, thought I couldn’t go back to that place where I was just a sobbing mess anymore.  Now I’m not so sure.

I feel deeply negative about where I am in my life.   I feel like when I express anything, I am yelling into a void.  I feel pushed into a corner.

I just need to sleep.

….

Okay, turn around and it’s already 11:25pm.  Yikes.  I have been through a roller coaster of emotion today.  For a while there it was looking kind of chancey if I was going to spend the whole post-farmers market day listless and in bed.  I think there’s a part of me that would be perfectly happy with wallowing in sadness for now until forever because it leaves me both righteous and completely out of harm’s way (except, of course, for the harm that sloth brings to the body and the mind).  I am right, though, that I am out of sync with what’s around me and it’s making my interactions with others feel out of whack and like I’m being slow on the uptake.

That’s a real thing.   This sense of being out of time.  But, like that taste in my mouth from yesterday, it’s also completely built in my own mind.   It can be forgotten just as quickly as a thought can turn over.

I think the secret crush on my friend and acquaintance may be muted now.  Nothing can kill it unless I kill the part of myself that wills it to be alive and that’s a good and useable part of my heart and I’d prefer to keep it.  But for now, I may have regained some perspective on the matter.  It was definitely a trigger, though, for the fact that I haven’t resolved the not-talking thing with my mother and the fact that I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about anything.  Ever again.  So I splashed around in the psychic depths,  signing myself up for an eternity alone, misunderstood, invisible and forgotten.  I just so wanted to not have the little self-regard and worth I have submit to the whole dismantling process I know I have to go through to get back into her good graces.

That’s hyperbole, but I’m feeling crazy so it may also have a grain of truth.

So, suffice it to say, I was a miserable creature  for about as long as a creature can bear its own misery before the thoughts turn as thoughts do, inevitably, to something else.  I cleaned my room until I found a bug body and was disturbed and so I had dinner and we all played video games.

Well, I have less than fifteen minutes to post this so let it be said…happy or sad, it’s always a choice and when it’s not a choice, it’s a process and you’ll wind your way through it until you find a new fork in the road and the choice to wallow or rise up emerges.

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